When we talk about the fertility journey, we often focus on the medical procedures, the hormonal ups and downs, and the emotional rollercoaster of hope and disappointment. What we don’t discuss enough is the uneven distribution of responsibility that often emerges during this challenging time.
The Fertility Mental Load
During my own fertility journey, I noticed a pattern that I’ve since seen repeated in countless therapy sessions with clients. While there are certainly exceptions, there tends to be a significant imbalance in who carries the “fertility mental load” – and it’s predominantly women.
My personal experience mirrors what many of my clients share. I was the one who:
- Made countless trips to the GP, often taking time off work
- Researched and found a private gynaecologist when the NHS wasn’t providing answers
- Overhauled my diet with the help of a nutritional therapist
- Attended weekly acupuncture sessions
- Started reflexology treatments
- Joined support groups and forums
- Read every book on fertility I could find
- Tracked my cycle with meticulous detail
- Remembered to take supplements =
- Coordinated appointments for both of us
- Managed the emotional reactions of family members
- Researched treatment options and success rates
My husband was supportive in many ways, but the mental load – the planning, researching, coordinating, and emotional management – fell largely on my shoulders.
The Self-Blame Factor
I’ve reflected deeply on why I took on this imbalanced responsibility, and I’ve heard similar reflections from clients. There seems to be a common thread: when the fertility challenges are physically manifesting in your body, there’s a tendency to feel personally responsible.
“It’s my body that isn’t working properly,” is a sentiment I’ve heard countless times in therapy sessions.
This self-blame creates a dangerous cycle. We feel responsible for the fertility challenges, so we take on more of the work to “fix” the problem. This additional burden creates more stress, which potentially impacts fertility further, leading to more self-blame.
A Pattern Across Relationships
What’s striking is how consistent this pattern is across different types of relationships. Even in partnerships that are otherwise equitable, fertility challenges often trigger a reversion to traditional gender roles, with women becoming the “fertility project managers.”
I see clients who are successful professionals, accustomed to delegating and sharing responsibilities at work, suddenly taking on every aspect of fertility management at home. They’re coordinating appointments, tracking cycles, researching protocols, managing medications, and maintaining the emotional equilibrium of both partners—all while processing their own complex feelings.
Breaking Down the Mental Load
To better understand this phenomenon, let’s break down what the fertility mental load actually entails:
Medical Management
- Researching specialists and clinics
- Making and tracking appointments
- Communicating with medical teams
- Understanding treatment protocols
- Tracking medications and timings
- Advocating for different approaches when needed
Body Management
- Cycle tracking
- Dietary adjustments
- Supplement regimens
- Alternative therapies
- Exercise modifications
- Sleep optimization
Emotional Labour
- Managing your own complex emotions
- Supporting your partner’s emotional journey
- Filtering what to share with family and friends
- Deciding who to tell and when
- Navigating social situations (baby showers, announcements)
- Finding and engaging with support systems
Knowledge Management
- Researching fertility conditions
- Understanding success statistics
- Learning medical terminology
- Staying updated on new treatments
- Finding relevant support resources
Practical Logistics
- Scheduling time off work for appointments
- Budgeting and financial planning for treatments
- Planning life events around potential treatment cycles
- Adjusting travel and commitments to accommodate the fertility journey
When you list it all out, it’s clear that this is equivalent to taking on a part-time job – one with high emotional stakes and no guaranteed outcome.
Why This Matters
This imbalance matters for several reasons:
- Increased Stress: The person carrying the mental load experiences significantly more stress.
- Relationship Strain: Over time, resentment can build, creating additional pressure on a relationship already strained by fertility challenges.
- Isolation: When one partner is doing all the research and management, they can feel isolated in their understanding of the process.
- Reinforced Self-Blame: Taking on all responsibility can strengthen the false belief that the fertility challenges are somehow your “fault.”
- Reduced Partnership: Fertility becomes “your project” rather than a shared journey, potentially leaving your partner feeling sidelined or unnecessary.
Steps Toward Balance
If you recognise this pattern in your own relationship, here are some practical steps toward creating more balance:
1. Create a “Fertility Responsibilities Audit”
List everything you’re currently managing related to your fertility journey. Be specific and comprehensive. Include not just appointments but also research time, emotional support, lifestyle changes, etc.
2. Have an Honest Conversation
Share this list with your partner in a non-accusatory way. Many partners simply don’t realise the extent of what’s being managed. Frame it as an opportunity to work more effectively as a team rather than a criticism.
3. Redistribute Tasks Based on Strengths
Perhaps your partner excels at research or financial planning. Maybe they’re great at preparing nutritious meals or could take on the responsibility of supplement management. Play to your respective strengths.
4. Schedule Regular Check-ins
The fertility journey evolves, and so should your division of responsibilities. Set up regular times to discuss what’s working and what might need adjustment.
5. Seek Professional Support
Sometimes a therapist such as myself who specialises in fertility can help you think through the impact of the mental load and how you can navigate these potentially tricky conversations.
Remember: It’s a Shared Journey
While fertility challenges may be happening in your body, they are happening to your relationship. Both partners are affected, and both should be involved in the journey toward resolution, whatever form that takes.
You deserve support in carrying this load. Your partner deserves the opportunity to be truly present in this significant life experience. And together, you deserve to face these challenges as the team you are in every other aspect of your lives.
Whether you’re just beginning your fertility journey or have been on this path for some time, it’s never too late to reassess and rebalance the mental load. Your relationship – and your wellbeing – are worth it.
If you’re struggling with the mental and emotional aspects of your fertility journey and would like professional support, I offer specialised fertility counselling services designed to help you navigate this challenging time. As someone who has personally experienced the fertility rollercoaster, I bring both professional expertise and personal understanding to our sessions. Contact me to learn more about how we can work together.