The blow of an unexpected pregnancy announcement
When you’re struggling to conceive and on an IVF journey, one of the hardest aspects is watching friends, colleagues, and family members effortlessly expand their families while you’re left with empty arms. No matter how resilient you are, every scan picture or social media announcement can deliver a fresh sting.
I remember the time when pregnancy announcements seemed to surround me. I reached a state of hypervigilance, expecting the next call or message to bring news of someone else’s good fortune. Scan photos would flash up on my social media feed without warning, and even a single picture could turn a good day into a dark, frustrating one. That unprepared, sinking feeling would hit, a painful reminder that yet another person had received the one gift I longed for.
During this time, I experienced waves of resentment and bitterness that seemed almost uncontrollable. I consider myself an inherently happy and positive person, yet I would find myself slipping into “Why me?” mode, feeling as though life was desperately unfair. It was an emotional storm I had to learn to weather.
The challenge of grieving expectations
In 2018, we had planned another IVF cycle in hopes of having a second child, and I was incredibly grateful for our daughter, Harriet. Yet, the yearning to complete our family was strong.
While I was surrounded by family in Canada, feeling loved and supported, I got a message from a friend with a clever announcement that their first child would soon be a big sibling. It stung—not because I didn’t care, but because, in that moment, I was reminded of the many obstacles we’d faced to have just one child. I felt overwhelmed by the grief of my younger self’s expectations—the woman who once saw a positive test with excitement, unaware of the long journey ahead.
I typed “Congratulations” and set my phone down, feeling a mix of happiness for them and anger. I wanted to respond with frustration but knew that my feelings weren’t their fault. Guilt followed, and I kept thinking of how I could manage those intense emotions while still holding space for the positive aspects of my life.
Tips for managing pregnancy announcements during your IVF journey
- Acknowledge your feelings without judgment
It’s normal to feel sad, frustrated, or even angry when someone close to you announces a pregnancy. Recognise these feelings without self-criticism. It doesn’t mean you’re selfish or unkind; it simply means you’re grieving something deeply personal. - Set boundaries on social media
Social media can be overwhelming when you’re facing infertility. Consider muting certain friends or turning off notifications for a time. This can help you protect your emotional wellbeing and avoid the sudden shock of an unexpected announcement. - Allow space to grieve privately
Give yourself permission to take a step back. If you need a moment alone to process your emotions after an announcement, take it. Grieving is essential for healing, and it’s okay to let yourself feel what you need to feel. - Redirect your focus to the present
When you find yourself spiralling into “why me” thoughts, gently bring your attention back to things you’re grateful for in the present. This might include your partner, friends, health, or things you enjoy doing. Redirecting your focus can help ground you and lessen the sting. - Develop a self-compassionate dialogue
Much like an internal supervisor, gently remind yourself that this pain is real but temporary. Developing a self-soothing inner voice can help you move away from self-blame and instead embrace kindness and patience with yourself during tough moments. - Connect with others going through similar challenges
Support from those who truly understand can be invaluable. Consider joining a support group or talking with a therapist who specialises in infertility issues. Knowing that others are going through similar experiences can provide solace and reduce feelings of isolation. - Celebrate small wins on your journey
Every step in your journey, no matter how small, deserves to be honoured. Perhaps you’re seeing a specialist, getting support, or researching new options. These small milestones are part of your journey, and celebrating them can help keep your spirits up. - Let loved ones know how to support you
Friends and family may not realise the impact their announcements have on you. Consider gently expressing your feelings to those closest to you. You might say, “I’m so happy for you, and I’m also working through my own emotions. I might need some extra space or understanding during this time.”
Facing these situations is undoubtedly challenging, but each of these steps can make a difference in managing emotions and fostering a sense of peace. Please know you are not alone and I am here to support you, just get in contact and we can walk this road together.