We often hear the advice to live in the moment, to be present and free from what weighs us down. But, despite our best intentions, we all carry an invisible bag through life, filled with experiences and beliefs we’ve gathered along the way.
We take this bag from one situation to the next, often unaware of how heavy it truly is. Inside are core beliefs about ourselves. These beliefs were formed long ago, ones that shape the way we see the world, our potential, and, for those of us navigating fertility treatment, our sense of worth and what we feel we deserve.
As a child you may have absorbed messages about your worth, shaped by criticism from teachers, parents, or peers. These experiences can lead you to carry the belief that you’re not good enough. This may well be despite having achieved a lot in adulthood; in your career, relationships, or personal life. This belief of not being good enough often fuels perfectionism, making you feel like you always need to prove yourself, constantly striving to excel and gain validation.
Core beliefs showing up in your IVF journey
So let’s consider your journey to have a baby. You are in a place where everything seems right. You’ve built a solid career, you’re in a loving relationship, and you feel financially stable. You’re ready to start a family but you encounter problems. And before you know it, those old doubts start to creep back in.
You may catch yourself thinking, “Of course I would struggle with this too. I always fail in some way”. Every negative pregnancy test amplifies those feelings of inadequacy, making you question your body and your ability to succeed. And then when IVF becomes your next step, that underlying belief of not being good enough shows up again.
Your struggle to conceive becomes yet another piece of evidence supporting your self-doubt, adding to a lifelong collection of perceived failures.
As Brene Brown wisely points out, “Stop walking through the world looking for evidence you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made it your mission.” Have you unknowingly made it your mission to prove you’re not enough? Is your experience of IVF now added to that story?
This is what I need you to know. Beliefs are not facts. They are stories you’ve been telling yourself for years, but they’re not set in stone. Perhaps you could open yourself up to the possibility that changing how you approach your IVF journey might be an opportunity to challenge this negative self belief.
Here are five ways you could think about using your experience of IVF to re-write your story:
1. Be Curious
Curiosity is the first step to change. Without it, you’ll stay stuck, repeating the same patterns and holding onto the same stories. Start by asking yourself:
What do I really believe about myself? And How might these beliefs be affecting the way I approach IVF?
When you get curious about your inner dialogue, it becomes easier to understand why certain emotions and doubts keep surfacing. You might discover that past criticisms or negative experiences are shaping how you’re viewing your fertility journey.
2. Challenge Your Beliefs
Once you’ve identified those core beliefs, it’s time to question them:
Are they true?
Just because you’ve carried these thoughts for years doesn’t mean they’re grounded in reality. Try writing down one of these beliefs, like “I’m not good enough,” and then make a list of all the reasons that belief is false. Think about your accomplishments and the challenges you’ve overcome.
You will see evidence of your accomplishments right there on the page, you just have to be willing to look at it.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
IVF is an emotionally and physically challenging process, and adding self-criticism on top of that only makes it harder. When those old beliefs resurface, try treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a friend.
Acknowledge that what you’re going through is tough, and give yourself credit for showing up and persevering. Remember, your worth is not defined by your ability to conceive or by the outcome of IVF.
4. Surround Yourself with Support
Sometimes the stories you’ve been telling yourself are so ingrained that it’s hard to see them for what they are.
This is where support becomes essential. Reach out to friends, a therapist, or a support group. Choose people who will be able to understand your journey and can reflect back your true value.
Their encouragement and perspective can help you shift the narrative and remind you of the strength and worth you possess.
5. Rewrite Your Story
Sometimes you have to “fake it to make it”. Imagine you are not the same person who once believed she wasn’t good enough. It’s time to start telling yourself a new story, one that reflects the strength, courage, and resilience you’ve shown, not just in life but in your fertility journey.
Your body isn’t failing you, it’s simply part of a complex process. And even when things don’t go as planned, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It’s part of the journey, not a reflection of your self-worth.
The core beliefs you hold about yourself can easily find their way into your IVF experience. But by staying curious, challenging those beliefs, practicing self-compassion, and surrounding yourself with support, you can start to break free from those old narratives.
If you would like my support to help re-write you story, please do reach out to me and together we can work towards the notion that you absolutely are good enough.